- 2 weeks ago
Stuff Normal People Won’t Care About Dept.: I just think it’s sad if people take these BadAss Digest guys or their piece-of-wet-shit website seriously. I don’t know that I believe that anyone actually does, in my heart— I like to try to believe in people more than that…? But if anyone does…
There’s the guy who doesn’t have the fucking balls to use his own name and writes in all-caps. Which… seriously… ??? There’s real writers in the world (or people at least trying to be “real writers”), and people are wasting time on, like, sub-sub-sub-sub-professional-wrestling antics…? I guess…? I guess some people have it in their heads that they want to write their opinions down but somehow then don’t have the courage to actually own their own opinions and so they feel like they have to drape some amateur-hour schtick on top of it plus hide behind an alias…? And I guess it’s fun for readers to then watch that kind of depressing fucking human cowardice in action…? I guess…?
I wish his human cowardice had manifested in the form of one of the characters from the video game Donkey Kong though because that’d have been funnier— Donkey Kong's pretty much the funniest game there is… He could've been FilmCrit Dig-Dug. Dig-Dug was a thing, too.
And then his boss who is just this dopey schmuck and all of his breathless nonsense…? I don’t really watch anime either lately— I could give a shit, but just the mentality of it all, the grade-school dopiness. ”I got BLOWBACK for my opinions on anime— it’s just like rape or something something Muslims." There are people on this Earth who’ve climbed actual mountains that don’t sound this impressed with themselves. And just the calculated extremes of his opinions are so lame! When your opinions as a living human being come across as “clickbait-y”, I always thought that should be a “yikes” moment for people more, but people boiling themselves down to clickbait is probably sort of the whole point with twitter to begin with, so…. But just check out just the headlines they’ve run for Edge of Tomorrow (which was some movie that came and went through theaters earlier this summer, the same way dozens of movies do every single summer):
- EDGE OF TOMORROW Movie Review: You’ll Want To Live It Again And Again
- It’s Time To Start Rooting For Tom Cruise Again
- Edge Of The Bechdel Test: Why Counting Box Office Is More Important Than Counting Interactions
- I Don’t Give A Shit How Much Money EDGE OF TOMORROW Makes
- Film Crit Hulk Smash: WHY THE EDGE OF TOMORROW ENDING IS GREAT
- Live, Die, Respawn: Why EDGE OF TOMORROW Is The Best Video Game Movie
That’s all for one movie! Holy shit! (I especially like the “I Care about the Box Office Not the Bechdel Test"-to-"I don’t give a shit how much money" turn things take— that’s quite the plot twist). Edge of Tomorrow was a cute little Tom Cruise special effects movie, sure, and if you needed to avoid the heat this summer, that was certainly 2 hours you could spend in a theater with working air conditioning.
But just the tone-deaf hyper-exaggerated excitement towards anything and everything that these people generate on a constant basis… The hucksterism! At least with Hollywood hucksterism, you get to see a fucking movie at the end of it! Here, what do you even get? You just get to click a button on some nonsense designed to generate clicks from awkward people being sold some bummer philosophy about “enthusiasm as the ultimate virtue" (instead of reflection, appreciation, amusement, etc.). Keep that stove on high! Keep people thinking the Latest Thing is “the best" "again and again" "it’s time to start rootin’ tootin’"-est Thing there is— well, until the next big special effects movie comes along that they can spazz out about at least ("DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES Movie Review: The Best Film of The Summer”). But just keep them distracted from their lives so they keep clicking on your stupid links, like fucking assembly line workers working at an Idiot Factory!
This is just basically the exact opposite of why I read… anything, let alone criticism, though.
Their website and the word “masterpiece”? 10,000 results on google. Including headlines like:
- SNOWPIERCER Movie Review: An Incendiary Masterpiece
- SXSW Review: Why SHORT TERM 12 Is A Masterpiece
- Game Review: THE WOLF AMONG US, Telltale’s Latest Masterpiece
- AMERICAN GRAFFITI: George Lucas’ True Masterpiece
- Robert Folk’s Score For BEASTMASTER 2 Is An Oft-Forgotten Minor Masterpiece
- #TIFF11 Review: THE DESCENDANTS is another Alexander Payne Masterpiece
- Movie Review: TREE OF LIFE Is Mostly A Masterpiece
- Movie Review: MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE Is A Minor Masterpiece
- Could DON’T GO ON THE TRAIL Be A New Outsider Art Masterpiece?
- Movie Review: WAR HORSE Is Almost A Masterpiece
"Bong Joon-ho is just like a masterpiece machine (Memories of Murder, The Host, Mother), so it’s perfectly okay to get batshit excited about his English language debut, Snowpiercer." — Devin Faraci.
But I guess at the end of the day, it really is a valuable resource, Badass Digest. So many times, after I’ve finished watching a movie, I find myself asking “Is the movie I just watched a masterpiece or just a minor masterpiece or is it the latest masterpiece or an oft-forgotten semi-major around the way masterpiece or is it just <gasp> ALMOST a masterpiece?" LUCKILY I KNOW EXACTLY WHO TO ASK TO FIND OUT THE ANSWERS TO MY QUESTIONS AND SURE ENOUGH NOW I KNOW WHY OH MY GOD THANKS TO THIS MOVIE THERE’S THESE WHITE SMEARS ON MY UNDERWEAR BECAUSE BEFORE I LEGITIMATELY DID NOT KNOW WHERE THOSE CAME FROM SO SORRY, BUT NOT SORRY THIS IS IN NO WAY TIRESOME TO READ AND THIS SCHTICK WILL NEVER EVER GET OLD.
- 3 weeks ago
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- 1 month ago
"An odd side note here: the actor who played [Richard] Yates, Lawrence Tierney, was himself in the latter stages of a volatile life. While making his name playing tough guys from the ’40s (Born to Kill) to the ’90s (Reservoir Dogs), he also got into numerous drunken scrapes with the law, often involving violence. In 1975 he was questioned in connection with the apparent suicide of a woman he was visiting; he told police she “just went out the window.” (Tierney was also a regular, strangely, on “Hill Street Blues,” so David Milch knew both the troubled, alcoholic Yates and his troubled, alcoholic double.) During the “Seinfeld” shoot, Jerry Seinfeld discovered that Tierney had tucked a butcher knife from the set under his jacket, apparently planning to steal it. Jason Alexander, who played George, said in an interview, “Lawrence Tierney scared the living crap out of all of us.”"
- 1 month ago
All Time Favorite Stuff Week: The 1992 Presidential Campaign Culminating in the Election of Bill Clinton to Presidency of the United States. I grew up a godless leftist Democrat brown person with communist sympathies in a pretty white suburb of Hamilton County, which is the most conservative county in Ohio (which is like being the worst customer service agent working for American Airlines). A sizable portion of Cincinnati rooted for the Germans in World War One or as I like to call it, a “more liberal time in Cincinnati history." The lady who owned our baseball team was famous cause she used to keep Nazi memorabilia lying out. Our greatest export to America was Pete Rose. So, however good ‘92 was for some people, man, it was just so much better for me. It was too sweet.
The obnoxious thing about growing up a Democrat are the years you have to spend watching a party that cares more about showing off how smart they all think they are, than about the little things like winning elections. Left to their own devices, Democrats will repeatedly nominate these no-charisma technocrats who somehow ended up in politics despite a total disinterest in the business of inspiring people or getting them to vote for you. Al Gore, John Kerry, Michael Dukakis, Walter Mondale— loser after loser. ’92 wasn’t even supposed to be Clinton for the Democrats— it was supposed to be Cuomo or Bill Bradley or somebody else. It was supposed to be another loser because that’s what Democrats do, that’s who they nominate. But then suddenly, there was this hillbilly sitting there out of nowhere— the hillbilly was only barely recognizable because he gave the Longest and Worst Introduction Speech in human history before that loser Dukakis’s nomination in 88. That guy??? Plus: he had an eye for the ladies? We’d already been through that with Gary Hart.
But: he had charisma. He had a saxaphone and he started appearing on television shows playing the saxaphone. He knew how to talk to working class people and what to talk to them about! He seemed to care about actually doing that, for once!! And what’s more, when the Republican dirty trick team would attack him, he would attack them right back. It all frightened people— after Clinton, the Democratic Party would spend 8 long years trying strenuously to avoid anything like that ever happening again. ”Charisma and being willing to fight back when Republicans attack? Fuck that— we’re nominating Kerry!" - the DNC.
And then things got CRAZY. Because then Ross Perot happened. And Ross Perot was shithouse nuts and rich as Croesus — he’d buy these infomercials for himself where he’d just sitting there trying to explain economics to people using these shitty homemade charts. At one point, Perot dropped out of the race— then came back into it! He publically worried about being assassinated by the Black Panthers. He referred to black people as “you people.” The Republican dirty trick teams— who were working overtime that year, god bless ‘em— tried to ruin his daughters’ marriage. Abject craziness.
It’s hard to understate how entertaining Perot made that election. Three person debates alone were dreamy… But even setting him aside (or his running mate Admiral Stockdale’s bizarre debate performance at which he literally yelled at one point, “who am I? why am I here?”), there were so many bizarre larger than life characters— Clinton hired a mean-spirited reptilian Cajun man to run his campaign, who liked hate-fucking Republicans so much he married one! James Carville is a SNL sketch of a campaign manager that somehow became a real person that then became a SNL sketch of a campaign manager! There were “bimbo eruptions”, amazing documentaries, Bill Clinton picked a fight with a lady rapper named Sista Souljah, gave completely bizarre answers about pot (“I tried it but didn’t inhale”— WHAT), Dan Quayle attacked a sitcom character named Murphy Brown, there were Fleetwood Mac songs, and it ended in a landslide putting a stop to 12 years of Republicans followed by 8 years of relative peace, some good things economically, and getting to hear about stuff Clinton was shoving into 20-something vaginas and him straight-up ejaculating onto dresses like it was Rumspringa. Not a perfect President by any means, by any means, he bombed some penicillin factories I’d rather he hadn’t and so forth, and I’m not all that enthusiastic about his wife running in the next one since she voted for that stupid-ass war, and his election itself wasn’t as deeply moving as the Obama election night (which was like the end of the TV miniseries V except Diana and the lizard people weren’t as bad).
But I will probably never see an election in my lifetime that was as batshit nuts as ‘92 or that I will enjoy as much, as thoroughly. Hunter S. Thompson, writing about the 92 election:
Not everybody is comfortable with the idea that politics is a guilty addiction. But it is. They are addicts, and they are guilty and they do lie and cheat and steal — like all junkies. And when they get in a frenzy, they will sacrifice anything and anybody to feed their cruel and stupid habit, and there is no cure for it. That is addictive thinking. That is politics — especially in presidential campaigns. That is when the addicts seize the high ground. They care about nothing else. They are salmon, and they must spawn. They are addicts.
- 1 month ago
- 1 month ago
isn’t there a part of the bible where god gets mad at a fig tree for not having any figs on it and curses the fig tree?
yeah there legit is that’s 100% true
Oh my god
… Jesus doesn’t like fig trees…? What? And he used his magical Jesus superpowers to murder a helpless tree just because it wasn’t the right time of year for figs to be on it??? Is this real? Listen to this:
In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. 21 Peter remembered and said to Jesus, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”
22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered.
… WHAT? Don’t have faith in god— run away from the weirdo murdering fig trees using his mutant powers! Have faith in sneakers! That is a Stephen King novel starring Wilford Brimley, as Mr. Cricketybones— get away from Mr. Cricketybones, small town in Maine!!! What kind of weird-ass shit…